A Rough Few Weeks (If You’re Canadian)

hitchbot

We here at The UnPR Podcast brought you the story of Conrad and Toronto’s touching response to his senseless death. Now we must report to you on the sad tale of yet another Canadian tragically lost — HitchBOT. We sent UnPR’s own Robot Chris to Philadelphia to investigate:

RC: Philadelphia. It is supposed to be the “City of Brotherly Love”, but it appears its love does not extend to MY robotic brethren.

HitchBOT was created to see if robots could trust humans. A flimsy excuse, as we robots have known for years that humans are not to be trusted. Especially “switch hitters” like Chipper Jones, or Miley Cyrus.

In reality, HitchBOT was left by its creators for scrap in Massachusetts. At first, HitchBOT thought it was being rescued from this cruel fate by kind strangers, but then their true colors emerged as they held it captive under the baleful stare of something called the Green Monster. Poor, poor, HitchBOT.

After escaping its captors in Boston, HitchBOT was next seen being traded for increasingly depraved sexual favors as it crossed state lines into Rhode Island and then New York. But it was in Pennsylvania that HitchBOT met its ultimate fate, to be brutally dismembered and finally decapitated. Downloading photos of the crime scene almost made me lose my breakfast burrito.

Further details are lacking at this time, but a high-ranking member of the Philadelphia Police Department, who spoke with me on the condition of anonymity (and me not utilizing my Class 4 laser appendage to separate him from his foreskin – ha, ha, ha) said the investigation currently centers on a local gang, the Gillette Blades — after some digging, I was able to verify that this is a slang term to describe bisexuals, based on the popular, double-edged shaving razor for both men and women.

I took the liberty of submitting the term to Urban Dictionary, so Mike can learn all about it on a subsequent show.

Robot Chris, UnPR