This week, we answer the question, “If Chris is alone in the forest and goes on hiatus from the podcast, does anyone hear it?” Mike goes to the mall and has a close encounter with two terrifying Walmartians. In an UnPR Podcast exclusive, we have the audio from the trial of the century… and you won’t believe how it ends! Oh yeah! And someone way cooler than Mike reads the news.
From time to time, we’ll share things on the web-site from our vault of “treasures” that, for whatever reason, just never found their way into a show. This week, it’s this:
Hi, Kirk Cameron! I wanted to do you when I was a teenager. But now you’re a hate-mongering “Christian”. I made this song parody just for you some time ago, but we never found a way to use it. So we’ll use it here.
In this week’s show, we expose Conspiracy Theories of all shapes and sizes, from “Lizard Overlords” to the REAL truth about Obama. We peel back the sheath of secrets surrounding foreskin and bid a fond Fuck You to anti-vaxxers. And we offer our own bittersweet jon-voyage to one of our heroes. So grab your tin foil hat and assume the position.
We here at The UnPR Podcast brought you the story of Conrad and Toronto’s touching response to his senseless death. Now we must report to you on the sad tale of yet another Canadian tragically lost — HitchBOT. We sent UnPR’s own Robot Chris to Philadelphia to investigate:
RC: Philadelphia. It is supposed to be the “City of Brotherly Love”, but it appears its love does not extend to MY robotic brethren.
HitchBOT was created to see if robots could trust humans. A flimsy excuse, as we robots have known for years that humans are not to be trusted. Especially “switch hitters” like Chipper Jones, or Miley Cyrus.
In reality, HitchBOT was left by its creators for scrap in Massachusetts. At first, HitchBOT thought it was being rescued from this cruel fate by kind strangers, but then their true colors emerged as they held it captive under the baleful stare of something called the Green Monster. Poor, poor, HitchBOT.
After escaping its captors in Boston, HitchBOT was next seen being traded for increasingly depraved sexual favors as it crossed state lines into Rhode Island and then New York. But it was in Pennsylvania that HitchBOT met its ultimate fate, to be brutally dismembered and finally decapitated. Downloading photos of the crime scene almost made me lose my breakfast burrito.
Further details are lacking at this time, but a high-ranking member of the Philadelphia Police Department, who spoke with me on the condition of anonymity (and me not utilizing my Class 4 laser appendage to separate him from his foreskin – ha, ha, ha) said the investigation currently centers on a local gang, the Gillette Blades — after some digging, I was able to verify that this is a slang term to describe bisexuals, based on the popular, double-edged shaving razor for both men and women.
I took the liberty of submitting the term to Urban Dictionary, so Mike can learn all about it on a subsequent show.
Robot Chris, UnPR